Courtesy of McSweeney

My Father The Lawyer

Christopher S. Van Orden

Christopher S. Van Orden
37 Pine Brook Terrace
West Millsborough, NJ 07471
cc: Mary A. Van Orden, mother

To the Above-Named Child:

You are hereby summoned to appear in the kitchen at 8:00 p.m. EST and defend the following misdemeanor charges: one count of breach of contract, one count of reckless driving, and one count of sass-mouth. Find listed below the details of the aforementioned charges:

Count 1—Breach of Contract

On the night of August 28, 2001, the defendant reneged upon the agreed-upon time of bodily return to his home address (11:00 p.m. EST). The defendant is quoted as having said, at 7:55 p.m. EST, "Yes, Dad, I'll be home at 11. Christ, get off my ass." This constitutes a binding verbal contract, fully prosecutable under New Jersey state law. Thus, the recorded time of bodily return, 11:58 p.m. EST, constitutes the defendant's defaulting on said contract.

(NB: The defendant's father is in no way on his son's ass, literally or otherwise. From the time of the receipt of this notice onward, to assert otherwise will constitute slander. Any and all comments made heretofore shall be pardoned.)

Count 2—Reckless Driving

The defendant is charged with unlawfully operating a motor vehicle on the afternoon of August 19, 2001. On the date in question, the defendant made use of his father's 1999 emerald-green Hyundai Sonata at 3:45 p.m. EST without the express consent of said legal guardian. According to the expert testimony of the defendant's neighbor, one Theodore "Teddy" Brolokowski of 39 Pine Brook Terrace, the defendant "drove like a bat out of hell. Shit, man, he ran the old clunker up onto the curb and scraped her belly like bejesus." The court will not admit the witness's testimony regarding the status of the aforementioned motor vehicle as a "clunker." However, material evidence, including one (1) large scratch to the front fender of said Hyundai Sonata (Exhibit C), corroborates his story.

Count 3—Sass-Mouth

The defendant is also charged with one count of egregious sass-mouth in the second degree. On the day in question, September 3, 2001, the defendant's mother is quoted as saying, "You'll mow that lawn, young man, and you'll like it," at 4:18 p.m. EST. In response, the defendant is quoted as saying, "Maybe if you could put down the martini long enough to pull the damn cord, you could do it yourself." At the time, a temporary injunction was issued, placing the defendant under indefinite house arrest.

Should the defendant plead not guilty to the aforementioned misdemeanor charge of sass-mouth in the second degree, the charge may be changed to the felony flagrant back talk in the first degree. If the defendant is found guilty of this second charge, he will not be permitted to attend prom. In addition, pending the court's deliberation, the defendant's ass may be placed in a sling.

It should be noted that the earlier charge of giving your mother "that look" has been dropped.

Any failure to answer this summons on the part of the defendant will result in his immediate expulsion from 37 Pine Brook Terrace and a court-mandated ass-kicking, carried out in full by the defendant's father.

Thomas M. Van Orden
Father

Is this not the funniest thing you've read in ages?!?!