Courtesy of McSweeney

My Father The Lawyer

Christopher S. Van Orden

Christopher S. Van Orden
37 Pine Brook Terrace
West Millsborough, NJ 07471
cc: Mary A. Van Orden, mother

To the Above-Named Child:

You are hereby summoned to appear in the kitchen at 8:00 p.m. EST and defend the following misdemeanor charges: one count of breach of contract, one count of reckless driving, and one count of sass-mouth. Find listed below the details of the aforementioned charges:

Count 1—Breach of Contract

On the night of August 28, 2001, the defendant reneged upon the agreed-upon time of bodily return to his home address (11:00 p.m. EST). The defendant is quoted as having said, at 7:55 p.m. EST, "Yes, Dad, I'll be home at 11. Christ, get off my ass." This constitutes a binding verbal contract, fully prosecutable under New Jersey state law. Thus, the recorded time of bodily return, 11:58 p.m. EST, constitutes the defendant's defaulting on said contract.

(NB: The defendant's father is in no way on his son's ass, literally or otherwise. From the time of the receipt of this notice onward, to assert otherwise will constitute slander. Any and all comments made heretofore shall be pardoned.)

Count 2—Reckless Driving

The defendant is charged with unlawfully operating a motor vehicle on the afternoon of August 19, 2001. On the date in question, the defendant made use of his father's 1999 emerald-green Hyundai Sonata at 3:45 p.m. EST without the express consent of said legal guardian. According to the expert testimony of the defendant's neighbor, one Theodore "Teddy" Brolokowski of 39 Pine Brook Terrace, the defendant "drove like a bat out of hell. Shit, man, he ran the old clunker up onto the curb and scraped her belly like bejesus." The court will not admit the witness's testimony regarding the status of the aforementioned motor vehicle as a "clunker." However, material evidence, including one (1) large scratch to the front fender of said Hyundai Sonata (Exhibit C), corroborates his story.

Count 3—Sass-Mouth

The defendant is also charged with one count of egregious sass-mouth in the second degree. On the day in question, September 3, 2001, the defendant's mother is quoted as saying, "You'll mow that lawn, young man, and you'll like it," at 4:18 p.m. EST. In response, the defendant is quoted as saying, "Maybe if you could put down the martini long enough to pull the damn cord, you could do it yourself." At the time, a temporary injunction was issued, placing the defendant under indefinite house arrest.

Should the defendant plead not guilty to the aforementioned misdemeanor charge of sass-mouth in the second degree, the charge may be changed to the felony flagrant back talk in the first degree. If the defendant is found guilty of this second charge, he will not be permitted to attend prom. In addition, pending the court's deliberation, the defendant's ass may be placed in a sling.

It should be noted that the earlier charge of giving your mother "that look" has been dropped.

Any failure to answer this summons on the part of the defendant will result in his immediate expulsion from 37 Pine Brook Terrace and a court-mandated ass-kicking, carried out in full by the defendant's father.

Thomas M. Van Orden
Father

Is this not the funniest thing you've read in ages?!?!

All right, STOP! Collaborate and LISTEN!

My camera was lost/stolen last week, but have no fear, Amazon clearance sale is here! As a happy birthday to me, I got a new camera. So I will be posting new pictures up just as soon as I figure out how it works. Yay for new toys! Boo for being a poor student!!

Last week, I went to my first Hindu wedding. I love all things Indian (for a multitude of reasons, but that's a whole 'nother story). Well, everything but the food. I cannot stand Indian food, but I digress. Anyway, the wedding was beautiful, and I got to learn even more about the culture. Here's what I learned:

• The traditional Hindi wedding color is red. The bride had the most gorgeous wedding gown I've ever seen, deep red with lots of exquisite beading.
  
• You think Catholic weddings are long? Think again! We were an hour late to the wedding, but there was still an hour left in the ceremony by the time we got there.
  
• The wedding is performed in the traditional Sanskrit (it was kind of funny because the bride was born here, and only understands limited Sanskrit...she just kind of nodded her head along in agreement throughout the ceremony).
  
• The bride is decorated with Henna on her hands and feet. Traditionally, husbands are not allowed to sleep with their wives until they can find their initials on their bride, hidden amongst the patterns. This was done back in the olden days because India had arranged marriages, and this was supposedly done so that the groom knew he had the right woman.
  

The reception had traditional Indian dances performed by children, followed by a belly-dancer. I danced to fun Indian music, even though I was one of maybe 10 people there who wasn't Indian. I think I kept up with them pretty well. After the traditional Indian music, the DJ started playing old school music from grade school days. Towards the end of the night, I was barefoot on the dance floor, reciting every line to "Ice, Ice Baby". Yup, I am THAT girl. I was completely sober...and you know the party wouldn't be the same without me!!

By the way...

isn't it interesting that the Foley scandal came out just before the Nov. 7 midterm elections?

Overdrive

A dear friend (who happens to be a State's Attorney) once told me that in the first year of law school, they scare you to death. The second year, they work you to death.

Yesterday at noon, I ran home, ate lunch, did laundry, ran the vacuum and loaded the dishwasher, and was back to school within the hour. I could only fit in an appointment in at 8:30 AM this morning. I'm supposed to be out with friends this weekend (boat cruise, lunch with college roomie from NY, wedding), but all I can think about is when I can fit in some more time for school.

I learned the other day that there is an intelligence test for cats and dogs. To see how smart Fido is, you throw a blanket over him and time how long it takes for him to find his way out from under the covers. There is some chart somewhere that links the length of time to the animal's intelligence.

At 5 AM this morning, my cat burrowed under the blankets, settled in the middle of the bed, and refused to come out.

I think I want to be a cat in my next life.

It's A Long Way Home

"Now I believe in what you say is the undisputed truth. But I have to have things my own way to keep me in my youth." ~Goodbye Stranger

Another week come and gone...and I've barely had time to catch my breath.

Friday, the security guard at my building tells me a story: "So, I went to this seafood spot last week and asked the waitress if they served crabs. She said they didn't serve anyone."

Hardy har har. The salary may be lacking a few zeroes, but we've got entertainment, folks, and he's here all week.

Saturday night was E's party. Being one of the few sober individuals there allowed me to observe the drunk festivities, including hair being caught on fire!

This morning was spent dreaming of beaches in Mexico. I'm ready for another vacation. Are we there yet?

Latent Languish

Inchoate beginning, manifest understanding, ardent anticipation.

The future is here...your life is now.